Captain Kirk's Guide To Women [or Captain Kirk's Guide To Smokin' Hot Babes]

Come on! Look at that cover art. Captain James T. Kirk is just saturated with lovers. They just throw themselves at him and fawn over the man. The man is a god! You know Kirk is your idol. You know you wish you were Kirk!

Imagine the shocked [actually, more like disgusted] expression on the face of The One To Be Pitied as I pulled out my latest reading adventure, Captain Kirk's Guide To Women: How To Romance Any Woman In The Galaxy. The sheer mention of the title makes me laugh. I needed a good laugh. I had been suffering from such a heavy dose of cerebral science fiction I needed something to lighten the load and a light read was just the elixir, panacea or tonic. The book is penned lovingly by John "Bones" Rodriguez and it's an 85 page hoot. The whole concept reminds me of that scene in the classic film Better Off Dead when John Cusack's character's little brother orders a book through the mail, How To Pick Up Trashy Women. That was a classic film! Well, it's not far off from that idea. What a good one it is.

If there's one thing I've learned it's that Captain Kirk may have been the world's greatest pick-up artist, but his women weren't always babes. Leading the life of a space adventurer like Kirk one can't blame him for getting love wherever he could find it. But I'd say roughly 25% of the chicks were NOT babes. Still, they made the other 75% well worth the exploration in the final frontier if you know what I mean. Granted even that 25% you wouldn't "throw out of bed" as the saying goes.

Kicking things off Rodriguez wastes no time in establishing one of the world's great truths: TREKKIES DON'T GET CHICKS. Now that is funny and truth of the matter is it's just not true. But it's a fun premise to run with to get this book published. Rodriguez himself is married with a beautiful wife and is himself an unabashed, self-respecting Trekkie. There are plenty of others out there too. Can you say Gabe Koerner?

Anyway, the chapters run as follows with my comments thrown in for good measure, or at least good fun.

Top Ten Things I Learned About Love From Star Trek: This covers several quotes extracted from Star Trek: The Original Series and are quite amusing. Case in point- "[Love is] the total union of two beings." This is absolutely essential, especially if you're Kirk.

Becoming Your Own Captain: I love this one because until you do you attain this rank you are simply going to stroll through life as a Red Shirt. "A redshirt's duty is to get killed. His death serves as a warning to the rest of the landing party; his sacrfice lets more valuable crew members and the captain avoid danger." That's hysterical, but I was always certain there were exceptions. Scotty was that exception to the rule, of course. He was a red shirt, he was essential and he was always one of my favorites. He was invaluable to keeping the U.S.S. Enterprise in the air. So there is hope for all of us geeks. Rodriguez insists the red shirt must graduate to Crew Member. I like the Crew Member, but if you're a Crew Member you're still not quite there. There's a lot to be proud of with this label. If you're a Crew Member you're "loyal, committed and trustworthy." Nothing to be ashamed of there. He's also a kind of "wingman" to the captain's sexploits and can do a little lady slaying himself from time to time. An added bonus is that he won't die. He might get sidelined from time to time, but he won't die. Most everyone of Kirk's righthand men are crew men. They all taste the role of Captain, but are never THE Captain. They do make him look good however. The Captain is up next and he's the leader. If you're going to be a captain you'll need a "ship" which essentially translates into "someone's dream." If you can dream and you have aspirations, you too can be a Captain. The ultimate Captain is of course Captain James T. Kirk, which is why we're here. If you can attain this rank than you've arrived. Of course the kind of confidence needed is the kind that embodied James T. Kirk and that is, you must be William Shatner. Seriously, he was the man. Love him or hate him, he was James T. Kirk personified. One really doesn't exist without the other.

The Mission: Rodriguez makes three points about the mission.

1. To Explore Strange New Worlds. Rodriguez gives a big wink and a nod [I think] to the author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, John Gray Ph.D., with his opening here. "Women come from strange new worlds; I've heard that they come from Venus but that's a gray area." I found myself finding the whole read rediculously odd and funny as he utilized Star Trek to dole out advice on how to pick up women, in some cases trashy women. So get out there and explore those strange new women.

2. To Seek Out New Life And New Civilizations. This is a bit like the Saturday Night Live skit when William Shatner asks the convention geeks if they've ever kissed a girl. Get out of your comfort zone and those four bedroom walls and explore damn it.

3. To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. The key here Rodriguez insists is being BOLD. Bold is the key. You must be special and you must make your mission feel special. In other words, you need to be like Captain James T. Kirk. There are a number of Duties that go along with this mission and Rodriguez has a number of funny comments here in four subsets. [There's definitely alot of overtly sexual tones in the book delivered with humor.] First Contact has a lot to do with delivery. It would help if you could greet someone in this way. "I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise." There's alot of weight to that. Try that next time you're in a bar. You'll need something grand. Briefing is everything you need to get to the Debriefing. Rodriguez is funny. In other words, getting naked. This remark is classic in getting to know your partner, "remember, a woman is into constant, never-ending sharing." Up next, Action. It's an operative word so lots of it. The more the merrier. This normally leads to Debriefing. In other words, get those clothes off and get into more Action, hopefully "where no man has gone before."

Rodriguez delves into four areas in his study of Kirk's libido utilizing the women of Star Trek. I've atempted my own general Rating System which includes: Ultra Blistering Hot Hottie, Smokin' Hottie, Hottie, Passable, Long In The Tooth. Remember a top team of scientific researchers have come up with this formula. They were notavailable for comment.

Lesson One- Always Say Yes: This is a great segment. All of the women just throw themselves at Kirk. "Be prepared to recognize the beauty in every woman and to accept their gifts," insists Rodriguez. I like this because Kirk definitely got a very small share of subpar women, but they did have their gifts and since Kirk was so willing to say YES to them he got to sample all of their offerings. This explains why Kirk had a broad sample to apply himself too. Case studies include:

Drusilla [Lois Jewell: Hottie]
Marta [Yvonne Craig: Smokin' Hottie; plus she's green-that's hot! If she wasn't green she'd be red as in red hot! Plus she was Batgirl damn it!]
Nona [Nancy Kovack: Ultra Blistering Hot Hottie; I'm with Rodriguez on this one. She's definitely a favorite and as he puts it she provides "gyrating and moaning." Really now. Say no more.]
Miramanee [Sabrina Scharf: Hottie]
Deela [Kathie Brown: Passable]
Odona [Sharon Acker: Hottie]

Lesson Two- Awaken Her Passion: Case studies include:

Andrea [Sherry Jackson: Ultra Blistering Hot Hottie; The fact she is an android is of no bearing. She's just damn hot, perhaps those circuits are overloading]
Sylvia [Antoinette Bower: Long In The Tooth; apply Lesson One]
Rayna Kapec [Louise Sorel: Hottie]
Kelinda [Barbara Bouchet: Smokin' Hottie]

Lesson Three-Care For Your Exes: Case studies include:

Dr. Helen Noel [Marianna Hill: Hottie]
Dr. Janet Wallace [Sarah Marshall: Hottie]
Areel Shaw [Joan Marshall: Hottie]
Dr. Janice Lester [Sandra Smith: Passable]

Lesson Four-Increase Her Self Esteem: Case studies include:

Eve McHuron [Karen Steele: Hottie]
Marlena Moreau [Barbara Luna: Ultra Blistering Hot Hottie]
Shahna [Angelique Pettyjohn; Smokin' Hottie; There was just something weird about her especially with her globes wrapped in tin foil and that "big green hair" as Rodriguez puts it. There sure was a lot of chlorophyll in that alien blood out there]
Elaan [France Nuyen: Hottie]

Special Considerations: Case studies include:

Edith Keeler [Joan Collins: Hottie]
Lenore Karidian [Barbara Anderson: Smokin' Hottie]
a red shirt named Janice Rand [Grace Lee Whitney: Hottie; There's just something about Rand in a red shirt]
and last but hardly least the U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701. Come on, who isn't completely hot for the mother of all ships. She's totally sexy and she rocks! She especially rocks when her shields are hit with major firepower.

To be honest I always had a thing for some of the ladies that just so happened to be red shirts. I always loved Phyllis Douglas as Yeoman Mears from the episode The Galileo Seven. I thought she was a hottie and perhaps because Kirk never felt her up I thought I had a chance. Someday I hope to revisit this entry with short clips of all the ladies from the various Star Trek episodes.

Top Pickup Lines From The Twenty-third Century: They really aren't all that good, but hell it's Kirk. One of the better ones is as follows: "When I see you, I...I feel like I'm hungry...all over." I can't say that one would work for me. I sure would love to have tried. In fact, it definitely would have failed miserably for me.

What Not To Do: We have Charlie X as our case study for what kinds of pick up approaches just don't get the job done. "Desperation isn't sexy," and Lord knows Charlie was at the height of desperation.

Graduation And Commencement: You get to come up with your own episode. Sorry folks I don't have time for this exercise, besides my imagination runs far too wild to right something down on paper for just one girl.

If I were a Red Shirt, and I pretty much am, and I had the chance to pick even one of these lassies it would have to be Sherry Jackson. She's the ultimate hot android and next to Sean Young [Rachel] in Blade Runner who wouldn't want one just like her. Nancy Kovack and Barbara Luna are next in line followed by Angelique Pettyjohn. Oh come on, a guy can dream can't he. That's why we're here.

Now that I've given you a debriefing overview on the terrific but terse, pocket book of nonsense that is Captain Kirk's Guide To Women I need to go take a cold shower. Funny, as a kid I recall, after reading this one [and it really isn't much of a read let's be honest], never pretending to be Captain James T. Kirk. My cousin always got to be Kirk. He got all the girls too. I always related to Spock and Scotty. I'm okay with that. Still, I think I'd rather be Kirk after scanning Rodriguez' book. Kirk could hang any night of the week if he was on Earth. This guy has a dedicated book full of hotties. The man is a bloody ladykiller. [Scanning book one more time] Yeah, being Kirk would be good.

Captain Kirk's Guide To Women: B [great pictures, good humor, fair read]