Showing posts with label Worst In Science Fiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Worst In Science Fiction. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Varan The Unbelievable

Are you prepared to suspend disbelief? Are you braced to hear The Sci-Fi Fanatic overuse the word unbelievable? You may need to reach back for something extra on this one. The description on the back of the DVD reads: For centuries, it slept... Man, ever searching, disturbed its peace... Fear The Unknown. You have to love the big sell on this kaiju eiga picture. With Varan The Unbelievable [1958], surprisingly, be afraid, be very afraid.

Varan may indeed be little known outside of Japan, because the film really never made the kind of splash Rodan, Mothra or Godzilla made stateside. Varan, as a monster, is simply not well known outside hardcore kaiju eiga fan circles, but it truly is unbelievable. Could it be more unbelievable that this film quietly registers chronologically under the kaiju eiga radar somewhere between Gojira [1954], Rodan [1956] and Mothra [1961]? It's also black and white, a potential budgetary issue, following the colorful Rodan. Would it seem unbelievable if Ishiro Honda phoned it in or agreed to film this script by Shinichi Sekizawa [one of his weakest]? What about Eiji Tsuburaya? Is Varan The Unbelievable as bad as many have suggested all these forgotten years? We find out.

Returning for this one last black and white foray in Tohoscope, director Ishiro Honda, special effects Eiji Tsuburaya, producer Tomoyuki Tanaka and composer Akira Ifukube return for a plunge into monstrous unbelievability. I know- I'm really having fun with the unbelievable Varan. The team, surprisingly, returns with a cast outside the usual cadre of characters and not normally connected to most Toho/ Honda success stories for this unusual attempt at Godzilla-lite. This fact may be due in part to Varan The Unbelievable being a planned Japan-USA co-production for television stateside [ABC]. Unfortunately, like the outcome for Latitude Zero [1969], US backing fell apart and Honda and company were left picking up the pieces. Thus, in part, why Varan The Unbelievable feels mildly disjointed and ultimately fails. All of this plus, according to Stuart Galbraith IV in his book Japanese Science Fiction, Fantasy And Horror Films, Toho had its creative team spread thin by working on The Three Treasures [1959] with Toshiro Mifune as well.

The mattes in the film are beautiful as always. The score is sufficiently booming and classically brilliant as one might expect from Ifukube. The effects are good, but not overly complicated, still they satisfy. All of this teasing potential aside, we are informed very early on to be prepared for the most mysterious story ever told and therein lies the problem. The story is simply flat, unconvincing and overly simplistic when compared to successes like Mothra or King Kong Vs. Godzilla [1962].

The story begins when butterflies, exclusively native to Siberia, are surprisingly discovered in Japan. Two institute researchers will investigate. Honda and scriptwriter Shinichi Sekizawa would one day prove their fascination with the butterfly or moth with Mothra. Was the idea born from Varan The Unbelievable?

In an area referred to as the Tibet of Japan, two researchers arrive at Iwaya Village and discover a group of semi-primitive villagers. A sign post with Japanese script indicates a gateway to the God of Baradagi. An earthquake ensues. What should be essentially a day of discovery for two butterfly researchers grows ominous. "It's too early for monsters," declares one of the men, almost preparing us for the overly simple-minded monster movie that lies ahead. No worries kaiju eiga fans, Varan is coming, but not soon enough.

The pained cry of a monster, suspiciously too close to the sound effect implemented for Godzilla, standing to reason of course, warns of an imminent attack and the men are killed in the remote mountains. Could it have been the legendary God of Baradagi? The aping of Godzilla's roar aside, the film also props up a suspiciously close set up in the belief shared by these islanders toward Varan that mirror a similar idea put forth in Gojira [1954].

The villagers led by the village priest pray to Baradagi in a ritual reminiscent of the King Kong mythology but on a much smaller scale. A trio of two researchers and a reporter arrive to investigate further. The priest implores them to leave. They ask blasphemously if anyone has ever seen this Baradagi. Once again the deep growl of Baradagi permeates the air. Fearing the great creature will awaken praying recommences.

Varan The Unbelievable was clearly channeling Gojira [1954], but presenting itself to be not much more than a very pale imitation. Nevertheless, the title reflects the brazen acts of outsiders from Tokyo skeptical of Baradagi's existence despite evidence of a massive beast.

The "ever searching" researchers ultimately defy the wisdom of the villagers and the elder priest and seek to chase down a boy and his dog, despite ovations to stop. The Tokyo outsiders call the elder's beliefs "foolish" and exhibit a general disrespect for village lore. Of course, that's never good for anyone in kaiju eiga.

That's a great idea! A series of generally illogical actions takes place particularly when the two men manage to convince the entire village to head out into the thick fog to find their missing boy. Here were these primitive, very superstitious villagers warning the outsiders and being adamant not to go beyond the fence line that separated their world from that of Baradagi suddenly throwing their hands up in the air and joining them. It just seemed to defy the philosophy of an entire people in one fell swoop.

The group eventually finds Yuriko, a reporter, with the boy as the fog lifts.

The whole thing feels a little too conveniently and illogically established to get us to the swirling lake where Baradagi rises from the depths. Kaiju eiga rising from the depths is always a highlight.

Varan the flying squirrel. The breed of creature is the resulting, uninspired mix of "Godzilla, Angilas, and a giant squirrel," according to author Steve Ryfle in Japan's Favorite Mon-Star. In fact, you can make that a flying squirrel. I'll even add part toad in the face. Galbraith called it an "amalgam" of Godzilla, Angilas and Rodan. But yes, this here creature can fly like a flying squirrel.



A shadow effect against a screen. Much running and hurrying ensues. And Baradagi or Varan, for me, too closely resembles Godzilla's voice effects for me to take this thing seriously. One can only imagine, back in 1958, there was no real certainty anyone would notice such a move entirely as a franchise had hardly been born at that point, but given all of the films, that iconic lizard and his equally iconic voice, it's a tough sell seeing it today. It's simply hard to believe.

Koreya Senda would also appear in H-Man. No amount of forgiveness requested from the elder will satiate Baradagi. He has arrived. He is well pissed and people will and must die. There's simply nowhere to hide as the village is wiped out. This is clearly a very petty, slumbering god beast because the villagers hardly did anything to upset it other than find their boy in its sacred land. Varan could only be considered a light sleeper or a bully. It's got unbelievable gall. It's a bit like throwing a Frisbee in the neighbor's yard and out comes the owner with a shot gun. Whoa! Take it easy big fella.

Even the fine Akihiko Hirata can't save this one. The reporters suspect the creature is a Varan suggesting this creature from 185 million years ago is just one of many that existed. Varan is a Varanopode. It is of the Triassic or Jurassic and Cretaceous periods. Whatever you do, don't do your homework on this one.

Given the size and destructive capabilities of the creature this is a job for the Defense Agency. All manner of tanks, chemical weapons and military equipment make their way back to the remnants of the village in preparation to destroy Varan ... The Unbelievable ... where it sleeps at the bottom of its lake. Of course no one has any proof that the creature is at the bottom of the lake it's merely an unconfirmed hunch.

So fish die and all manner of human fury is launched against the lake. Varan emerges. Let the onslaught begin. Of course people run and run and run and keep running when it is determined that the creature might better be dubbed Varan The Unbeatable or Varan The Unstoppable, because conventional firepower isn't cutting the mustard against this Varanopode. Clearly there are a whole of believers now. There are so many believers the title of the film was almost modified to Varan The Believable.

Inexplicably, winds kick up around all of the people, apparently the result of Varan, yet there is no wind anywhere to be seen around Varan. There's not a single gust amidst the inconsistent editing. Galbraith noted that new material was shot and was poorly integrated with older footage [Japanese Science Fiction, Fantasy And Horror Films] and it shows.

Yuriko is trapped and Kenji, a fellow researcher from the expedition, saves her.

Suddenly, without any visual cues to suggest the existence of flight, Varan spreads its arms to reveal membrane material similar to that of the aforementioned flying squirrel and off it goes into the wild, blue yonder at about mach 1.5. Absolutely uncanny, unexpected and certainly, you guessed it, unbelievable.

If the film wasn't so poor a scene like this would be scary. The Defense Agency is stumped on how to repel and defeat Varan. They sit around a table, groupthink-style, debating whether Varan's skin is tougher than steel. It's all quite silly really.

When Varan is next spotted he is no longer flying like a squirrel, but rather swimming much like Godzilla across the Pacific waters and thus ripe for carpet-styled, rocket bombing accompanied by a patriotic Ifukube score. As Varan makes its way to Tokyo much attacking is levelled upon the great Varan. Like the final battle in The Mysterians [1957], some of the festivities tends to go on a touch too long, but at 87 minutes what's an effects director and director to do? Depth charges anyone?! Up next, depth charges!

It's funny, but several times people shout, "standby for action!" or "ready for action!" and yet somehow I kept waiting for characters and a story to care about amidst all of the commotion. No kidding around, I fell hopelessly asleep during the film when I started watching it on a Sunday afternoon. Normally, Sunday afternoon is prime time creature feature time and yet, sad to say, Varan The Unbelievable just wasn't getting it done.

After all the weapons fail, Varan surfaces and its onto Tokyo. Hundreds of Japanese men, women and children flee in trademark Toho fashion.

Dr. Fujimora has a special weapon, much like Hirata's character counterpart in Gojira. The weapon is essentially dynamite, twenty times stronger, and must be detonated from inside Varan to be effective.

Varan is seen swallowing flares in an absolutely comical looking moment. It is thus determined, the flares shall be the delivery system to detonate the ultimate weapon within Varan.

Varan slinks off into the sea and explodes. Let's face it, if you're an effects director, it's much easier to detonate water than a man in a suit. The film ends on a wholly ungratifying, unbelievably bad ending. Where is EMF when you need them to sing Unbelievable [1990]?

Despite all of the trappings of a classic kaiju eiga, it never quite gets its footing or momentum, because the foundation for its story is shaky and never materializes into anything substantive. The editing is jerky, poorly cut and some of the scenes just look plain disappointing. The horrendous depth charge scene comes to mind. The idea is good, but the execution is okay. The acting is a little flat. Not even a small appearance by the uber-cool of Akihiko Hirata as Dr. Fujimora, minus the patch, yet with a special bomb [sound familiar?], can save this lackluster monster epic. Tension never quite mounts in the intimate scenes in ways many of the Honda productions succeed particularly surrounding a core of three characters, two men and one woman. It simply never manifests the magic of Honda and Tsuburaya's work to some surprise. The film sort of lumbers along like the titular prehistoric creature. Oh well, everyone is allowed a mis-step now and again and Varan The Unbelievable would likely be theirs focusing solely on their source material, not their efforts.

Depth charge explosions and water footage superimposed over a resting monster. Steve Ryfle called the foray into Varan a "lackluster" and "dull yarn" [Japan's Favorite Mon-Star, p.66].


Stuart Galbraith IV found the film "disappointing" and "cheap-looking" as recorded in his fine book Monsters Are Attacking Tokyo [p.179] but also noted Ifukube's score as the exceptional exception eclipsed by a poor film. Galbraith is unabashed in dubbing Tsuburaya's work here as "unambitious" when compared to his normally superior outings. He calls Varan itself "undistinguished." Galbraith expanded on his reflections in his excellent reference Japanese Science Fiction, Fantasy And Horror Films [p.41-44]. Galbraith discusses the "mystery" surrounding Varan's production. The flaws are essentially compounded generating "a hurried, sloppy look to the film." He fairly considers Varan to be Toho's "least interesting science fiction film of the 1950s." He refers to the film as "boring," but judges the American cut more harshly.

Miles Imhoff over at the fantastic Toho Kingdom thought the viewing of the American version of the Japanese original made the original look like "Seven Samurai." Well, here at Musings Of A Sci-Fi Fanatic we watch the originals and it's not in the same arena as Akira Kurosawa's film, despite Imhoff's humor that points out how the subbed and dubbed English versions are normally abysmal to their kaiju eiga Japanese counterparts. He even calls the American version a "failure." Though Imhoff offers a great rendering of the English version of the film.

Toho Kingdom's Anthony Romero also noted the highlights of Tsuburaya's effects and Ifukube's score, but points to facets of the film that are "lackluster," "bland," "uninteresting" and "rather boring." Romero correctly notes one problem, "the story's chief fault is simply that the human cast is extraordinarily dull." Their performances are certainly forgettable. Romero recounts a number of the problems between the cast and the script they were forced to work with. Romero wonders amusingly, "So how does Varan fare as a solo kaiju antagonist? Not very well, and certainly the most unmemorable of the Toho kaiju to be given their own film."

Truthfully, there really isn't much of a story here, which is so surprising because screenwriter Shinichi Sekizawa would remain a mainstay of Toho working with Honda on some legitimate classics like the upcoming Mothra. He would pen some of our favorites, which is why Varan The Unbelievable is so unbelievably disappointing. It's not without its merits and for those who enjoy kaiju eiga of any kind, it's still worth a look even if it is a relatively messy, uninspired clunker. The whole production feels a little less polished, a little half-hearted, a little lifeless and quite frankly, based on my love for Honda, Tsuburaya and company, that is pretty, well, I won't say it. To think this was nearly the same team behind the wonderful Rodan just two years earlier does come as a slight surprise. One thing Varan proves, is that there's magic in those Godzilla films. Disappointment aside I'm pleased Varan The Unbelievable was made available because it allows us to truly appreciate Gojira, Rodan and Mothra that much more. It also demonstrates as fantastic as the films of Honda and Tsuburaya were for years, as heralded as they were as creators, they were still human and that makes them extraordinary. Varan The Unbelievable: D. Director: Ishiro Honda. Writer: Ken Kuronuma/ Shinichi Sekizawa.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Ferocious Planet

"Don't poke the aliens." -Ferocious Planet-

Well, SyFy strikes again with a film from the Maneater series dubbed, with subtle nuance, Ferocious Planet [2011]. Okay, not really. SyFy's reputation precedes it as far as cheesy, science fiction adventure outings go. The channel releases crap at a record pace. Morlocks [2011], starring David Hewlett and Robert Picardo, was really no exception and I had hoped it might be. My previous coverage of A Dog's Breakfast alluded to that aforementioned SyFy production.

To give you an idea of what you are up against with SyFy, here are just a few of the titles in circulation: Carny, Croc, Eye Of The Beast, Grizzly Rage, Hellhounds, High Plains Invaders, The Hive, Hybrid, Maneater, Rise Of The Gargoyles, Sand Serpents, Sea Beast, Shark Swarm, Swamp Devil, Vipers, Wyvern and the list goes on. There's not much left to the imagination with that list. I certainly can't comment on them. There's not enough time in my life to waste determining how good or bad these films truly are. Generally speaking, I would prefer to regret giving up my time to such garbage perhaps once or twice a year. That quota is now full, first with Morlocks and now with Ferocious Planet.

It saddens me too, because I love the cast of Stargate Atlantis and it's heartbreaking to see actors like David Hewlett and Joe Flanigan getting their paychecks from this painfully predictable drivel. Granted, they add a touch of quality to the proceedings, but there's no chance they can save them.

My recent endeavor to investigate the world of Stargate Atlantis led me to other works featuring actors from the series including the outings of Joe Flanigan.

Ferocious Planet stars none other than actor Joe Flanigan, formerly Major John Sheppard on Stargate Atlantis. I gave it a look. Flanigan essentially plays the Sheppard character for SyFy's low budget thriller.

The mood and look of the film was largely successful no doubt thanks to director Billy O'Brien and his creative team. Ferocious Planet was filmed on location in Ireland. Filming anywhere outside of Vancouver or your standard US urban hot spots always qualifies as an unexpected pleasure. Still, the largely forest-soaked setting begs the question why it wasn't filmed in Vancouver anyway. Granted, nothing like a vacation for the actors in a place as lovely as Ireland where you can be certain to get a great fix on fish and chips plus some whiskey.

The general science fiction concept in Ferocious Planet is largely implausible and utterly ridiculous, but the cast and mood of the story's sense of adventure sells it pulling you into the a tale of politicians, scientists and military personnel transported to a parallel universe. Most of all, the idea is to transport us largely into a world of wonder and adventure. But low budgets don't really deliver a whole lot of wonder when its wall to wall trees again.

The best looking CGI still you'll get. One politician's body is severed in half by an unidentified alien lifeform and Flanigan shines with his ability to deliver lines like "I guess he won't be running for re-election." When the terrible special effects finally show up, they are typically atrocious for Ferocious, but Flanigan really elevates the poor material with lines like "Definitely gonna' need a bigger boat." The homage to Jaws is lost on one of the younger, dumber comrades clearly not versed in the best of cinema.

Guns are good on Ferocious Planet. Meanwhile, the world's smartest scientist isn't sure what the creature is but is sure of one thing, "It's pissed!" Clearly you can be smart and have a sense of humor. Actually, can smart scientists be down to Earth and beautiful?

Answers to obvious questions like breathable atmosphere are bandied about in an effort to establish credibility.

The kinds of story problems that surround the tale include how a single level room, separated from the rest of its building, and transported to an apparently prehistoric dimension still manages to have electrical power. In fact, where is the power grid on the planet. Okay, I'll assume it's a generator and it made it through to the alternate dimension.

Still, the silly ideas and general goofiness is somehow overshadowed by Flanigan's charm and the director's ability to generate palpable thrills and a real sense of credible excitement despite the the whole affair being as dumb as a T-Rex.

Flanigan plays Commander Sam Synn and now that they have arrived in this other place he'll do some recon after giving orders to two of the politicians he affectionately refers to as "Beavis and Butthead." I'll give you three guesses as to the fate of those two knuckleheads.

Following the creature attack, everyone goes back outside. Logic goes out the window for adventure and excitement, but what else is one to do in a parallel dimension? Be careful this is a ferocious planet. Okay, it's a generally quiet planet with an occasionally ferocious creature on patrol.

One of the politicians takes pictures excited by their findings. She says no one will believe it. Yet, she takes pictures of trees. It's safe to say your political friends have seen a few trees. You may want a shot of that creature when it comes back. Trees they can believe.

Ferocious Planet 2: It Finally Gets Really Ferocious. Two scientists work feverishly to return the group back to their own dimension in the hopes of escaping giant mushrooms, quick sand pits and generally certain death. They manage to utilize the mystery energy that powers their severed facility.

There are some fine character moments thanks to the cast. Despite the death of the senator, this former employee exhibits very little heart. That's politics. This is an amusing exchange.



So much for partnerships and was that Beavis or Butthead?

As the military patrol the area I kept wondering how they intended to battle a T-Rex-like beast with their pistols. Amidst the general silliness there are moments when the survivors run back to their government bunker that reminded me of the cast of Land Of The Lost running back to their makeshift cave home. It has that kind of imagination and simplicity of excitement in play.

It's a bit like looking at the sky in Land of The Lost. So there's one in every bunch. As the team prepares to depart one woman wants to stay and learn more. Yes, let's stay in the haunted house. You know the kind of woman, like Paul Reiser's character in James Cameron's Aliens who towed the party line for the corporate stooges bio-weapon's division, while the remainder of his team was hacked to bits by razor-teethed xenomorphs. Well, we know the fates of those people too.

This is a good scene that speaks to the humor and general feel of the picture.



The "pointdexter" fellow apparently wants to go on Fox & Friends to meet Gretchen Carlson. Given Hollywood's general affection for the conservative network you can imagine how things go. His demise was inevitable the moment he uttered Fox & Friends.

Ferocious Planet, despite a good lead, simply cannot elevate it beyond its ephemeral Saturday night intentions. Firefly's Adam Baldwin and Morena Baccarin couldn't rescue Sands Of Oblivion [2007]. Michael Shanks couldn't do it for the Lost Treasure Of The Grand Canyon [2008]. David Hewlett couldn't pull it off for Morlocks [2011].

As expected, Joe Flanigan simply isn't given the script to do it here on Ferocious Planet try as he might. It has good pacing and some good humor, but a terribly weak ending with no real point. Its only real intent is to cast its actors into a forest to survive the bad, man-eating CGI of those horrendous SyFy effects. For those who would enjoy a romp of action helmed by Joe Flanigan, I caution that this is still a SyFy original and it doesn't come close to the writing talent found in an engaging episode of Stargate Atlantis. Its entertainment level is minimal if unsatisfactory. I'd love to recommend Ferocious Planet, but alas this is an entirely skip-worthy affair. Strangely enough, you could do worse with a SyFy channel movie, but that doesn't necessarily make it good. Given its budget, you could rank this somewhere between the Peter Hyams' Ray Bradbury adaptation A Sound Of Thunder [2005] and the worst of SyFy. If you've seen A Sound Of Thunder that's not saying much.

Joe Flanigan Television & Films: Sisters [Season Six; 1995]/ Murphy Brown [Season 10; 1 Ep; 1997]/ Dawson's Creek [Season Two; 2 Ep; 1998]/ Cupid [4 Ep; 1998]/ The Other Sister [1999]/ Providence [Season One; 1999]/ Profiler [Season Four; 2000]/ First Monday [13 Ep; 2002]/ Farewell to Harry [2002]/ Judging Amy [Season Four; Ep 1; 2002]/ Tru Calling [Season One; 1 Ep; 2003]/ Thoughtcrimes [2003]/ CSI: Miami [Season Two; 1 Ep; 2004]/ Stargate Atlantis [2004-2009; 100 Ep]/ Stargate SG-1 [2006; 1 Ep]/ Warehouse 13 [Season One; 1 Ep; 2009]/ Ferocious Planet [2011]/ Good Day For It [2011]/ Fringe [Season Four; 1 Ep; 2011]/ Six Bullets [2012].

Yikes! Now that my friends is a ferocious planet! Who is in charge of the SyFy original films division anyway? SyFy really should try some latex or rubber suits.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Star Runners

What do you get when you mix Enterprise's Connor Trinneer with Heroes' James Kyson Lee? How about a Sci Fi Original Movie and your standard banal Sci Fi Channel title, Star Runners [or is that SyFy- soon]. Throw in a sexy, well-defined, Mariah Carey looking space chick in a skimpy pink dress and you've got yourself a winner. As I sat down to chill for a bit I remembered Sci Fi Channel had a movie on its "most dangerous night of television" [yes, to your health] that I was interested in checking out. So as I started watching I thought I'd write about it without giving it too much effort.

Star Runners is actually pure science fiction delight for fans of the actors and fans of series like Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, Enterprise or Stargate. It may not have the same standards of excellence, but my initial reaction was that it looked to be a fun thrill ride through space with reasonably entertaining actors or familiar faces. My opinion of the movie would dissolve quickly.

The special effects are equally solid for a change. They rank up there with any of the series I mentioned previously and that's always a good start. The ships, the jumps. All of your standard sci fi cliches are in order and there were some unique takes on technology to begin things.

The dialogue was snappy and fun. Okay, I can't do it any longer. It really is truly a terrible movie, but it's terrific science fiction cheese in the best possible sense. As far as the worst in science fiction goes this ranks up there as one of the best of the worst if that's possible.

Trinneer and Lee crash on a planet with a host of others after being fired upon by a governmental entity [nod to Firefly] and attempt to survive alien space bugs [nod to Starship Troopers or Pitch Black]. In fact, with their skimpy buxom chick as their secret weapon [nod to Firefly's River Tam] it's as if someone took Heroes, Enterprise, Pitch Black, Firefly, Stargate and other assorted sci fi ideas and tossed it into a blender. The vibe is made all the more ridiculous by some silly long jacketed wardrobing for Trineer and company coupled with god awful dialogue and a weak script. As a result you get your serviceable sci fi survival yarn and a pay check for the actors we know and love.

Each survivor is essentially picked off one by one. I actually wrote this paragraph before it started happening that's how predictable we're talking. Heads are lopped off while people piss. You know how it goes. One of the best things about this movie is watching the sheer stupidity of its characters unravel before your very eyes. Characters literally have all of the facts at their disposal that they will die if they do A and it is clearly advisable that they should do B if they want to live. What is the best option then, do A anyway. What!? It's hilarious. My Boy Wonder happened to stumble into the room and said it best, "they're all really dumb."

Anyway as the story moves along Lee's character gets hacked up pretty good. We get your standard 'forget about me, save yourselves, I'll lay and die here while I clutch a grenade and take whatever of those bastards with me that I can' sacrificial lamb story for his friends. His sacrifice proved to me he truly was a hero after all [wink wink]. Meanwhile, the girl in the skimpy pink dress has all sorts of unbelievable superpowers speaking of heroes. She may have as job in Heroes Season Five. Everyone wants the girl, but not like that friends. The bugs have them on the run, the agents have them on the run and they just fire away, fire away and fire away. Those guns have to be red hot. The Boy Wonder watches and wonders, "don't they ever run out of ammo?" I reply "ya'd think." "Is this a good movie?" he inquires. "Not really." In the end there is a bit of a revenge tale and the girl with superpowers as a result of heavy radiation gets her final moment in the sun.

The characters run alot. They run and run and run [while they shoot]. They are also on a star of a sort. Apart from the celestial body, our actors are also stars. They are Star Runners! Oh and the enemy governmental ship in the movie also looks suspiciously like a pale imitation of the Battlestar Galactica. The effects aren't that good. So, you can do yourself a favor and run far away from this one. If you're sick and lying on the couch clutching a ginger ale then this might make you feel better.

Star Runners: C- [I like the space chick. Her bodaciousness saves this one from the D mark]

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Knight Rider: Hot Car & Hot Babes [Not Much Else Under The Hood]

Cue the hot car, cue the hot women [some obligatory skin shots and sexual innuendo], a cheesy soundtrack and of course Michael Knight and you might just have the ingredients to a surprisingly successful guilty pleasure [or not].

The new and improved, state-of-the-art Knight Rider is all hot cool done with smoke and mirrors. The centerpiece is a slick black Ford Mustang GT and it is suuwwweeet! For the kiddies we get the ocassional Transformers-styled car mutations which also keep things interesting for car and truck afficionados. All in all, this ain't your daddy's Michael Hasselhoff folks, and you'll probably miss that about it. In fact, keep the kids away because the sexual innuendo does fly. In fact, the two leads were almost naked in the car within the first fifteen minutes. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Still, the acting is universally atrocious. There isn't a likeable character amidst the bunch of these shallow and vacuous [albeit sexy] meat puppets. You won't want your kids spending time with them.

Val Kilmer [Red Planet, Heat] adds a nice vocal touch to the on-board artifical intelligence known famously as K.I.T.T.. The yellow maintenance arms that work on K.I.T.T. in their top secret location are so smart they even get a name too. Nothing is too heady here. There's loads of nonsense and a mcguffin in the form of "The Package" keeps the stakes high and the action moving forward, and move forward at a breathless pace it does. Very fast! In fact, the pace is so swift you get the feeling it's creators don't want to allow you any time blowing holes in the plot. In fact, the artificial intelligence is just as interested in sexual allusions as the rest of the cast.

What I loved about it was, for a computer that's self-aware, this entertainment vehicle isn't taking itself seriously whatsoever. So many shows today [Lost, Fringe] are so SERIOUS. Don't get me wrong, thank God they exist. I couldn't live without them. It's just that this is a nice break from the rest of the pack. It's a throwback to cheesy-ass good fun, some very hot cheesy ass mind you. The engine rev of that Mustang and the road sequences just rock! The simplicity of it provides more excitement here than Fringe has mustered in three episodes. The swooshing sound effect of K.I.T.T.'s scanning, front, red light is clearly reminiscent of those classic cylons [from Battlestar Galactica] and there's a lot of old-fashioned thrills underneath this car's hood [not much else]. I like it. The plot is essentially rediculous, but there are enough questions planted about Michael Knight's past to keep most brain-dead couch potatoes interested. They even leave him shot and left for dead at the end of this one. What a cliffhanger! Not really. The whole thing is just as goofy as the original, but it's dressed up real glossy-like in a fine, sexy sheen. It dazzles, but I must admit it's unlikely to keep my attention for very long. I wanted to like it more than I did and to be honest it was pretty poor on many fronts. I could see this vehicle getting rusty fast.

Knight Rider [1982-1986; 4 Seasons; Glen A. Larson]: Back when life was simple as a black Pontiac Trans AM.

I do feel like Knight Rider serves up just enough eye candy and action for the testosterone-driven folk who were let down by the ephemeral Drive Fox dropped on us for about four episodes [with Nathan Fillion]. Drive attempted complex a la Lost, but for the motor heads only to crash and burn [have I used all of the car cliches yet?]. Knight Rider offers no such aspirations, but this thing just might get the kind of mileage and speed that the Bionic Woman just wasn't built for! [Nope there's one more]. But if you're going for the adult set the writing has to improve. If you want kids it needs to be more like a V6 on the scantily clad women. But make up your mind, you can't have it both ways.
*
This is just wildly mindless fun and there isn't anything intellectual about it. Quite frankly it's all very stupid, but what's wrong with that once in awhile? Still, bad writing, bad acting, good effects, smokin' hotties getting naked and hell, that freakin' car! Fuhgeddabout it! You know you big boys are comin' back. The question is: will there be enough of you for the long haul? I suspect the fuel necessary to keep this one flying may get too expensive.

Premiere: B-
*
Update: September 2009: By January 2009, the new and improved Knight Rider was axed from the airwaves. The problem was it was a little too slick and glossy for its own good. There was not much under that shiny hood. My assessment wasn't that far off. It lasted longer than some series, but not long enough. Poor acting, poor scripting overwhelmed the solid visual effects and Knight Rider finally lost fuel sputtering to a halt as viewers stopped tuning in.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Beyond Loch Ness

You know I was really itching to call the title of this blog entry, Don S. Davis, What The Hell Were You Thinking? Maybe I should have. Maybe they should have called Beyond Loch Ness the same.

Looks Like Game Over for this poor fellow.


Yup! Definitely Game Over....


I know Sci-Fi Channel has to be paying these actors good money because the "spare no expense" approach is not being applied to the special effects. Granted, they weren't terrible. The key to CGI is slowing down those monster movements!!! Damn! They move way too fast. It makes creatures look rediculous. Van Helsing and Hulk both had bad CGI and when it's applied poorly it's hard to suspend our disbelief. Thats' why they both sucked!

Paul McGillion [Stargate Atlantis] has a role, a very brief one. He gets the luxury of being eaten alive by the beast in the first 5 minutes. It sets up the revenge tale as his son looks on. Don S. Davis [Stargate SG-1] is in law enforcement and attempting to navigate through some very bad dialogue [he even says "What the hell?" at one point- times are tough since SG-1 closed the gate]. People basically die and keep dying on Lake Superior, Vancouver. The kid who played Teal'c's son, Rya'c, makes an appearance too, yeah, a real brief appearance. He winds up kibble and bits for old Nessie.

For a beast that has alluded cameras and videographers for centuries....it sure seems like it's looking for attention. Those baby Nessies aren't helpful either. Everyone seems to congregate at the lake and ... wah lah dinner is served! So the "Beyond" part of Beyond Loch Ness is that Plessie has been busy in the old loch of love. Don doesn't even get to collect his check in the end. The whole thing is all wet!

Look, you know things aren't good when the wife pleads with you to turn back to the football game. She called the film "one nudie scene away from Friday the 13th." That's priceless. I'm not sure, but this may have been worse than Showdown At Area 51.

Folks! Remember, the budget is injected into Stargate Atlantis and that show rocks!!!