Snowpocalypse 2015

 

Bones: For the love of God Jim, beam us up already!
Kirk: Bones, do something about all this snow!
Bones: Damn it Jim! I'm a Doctor not a Meteorologist.
Scotty: I canna' take the snow any longer Captain. My gyro stabilizing crystals are freezing.

It has been cold, windy and snowing and still is. My daughter and I squeezed in Fargo (1996). You betchya yah! I had forgotten Frances McDormand (Academy Award Best Actress - she so deserved it) doesn't show up as Marge until at least thirty minutes into that Cohen classic. Anyway, a good, cold snowy classic for this Winter day.

I had to break from shoveling and that film was my treat in between. Still have power at this time. Thank you God. And speaking of Scotty, Maisie is still loving it all.

Happy... Bologna?

Kirk: Good grief Bones. What in blazes?

Bones: I have found a terrific meal for our day of thanks.

Kirk: Where's the turkey? I wanted turkey Bones!

Bones: Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not a stone cold turkey killer! Just the same this is a wonderful turkey substitute. It is a combination of chicken and pork compressed into a round treat. It is from a creature called the Bologna. I assembled it in sick bay.

Kirk: Bones, I'm not even sure it's meat.

Bones: Sure it is. It's delicious too. I spotted a similar animal called the Olive Loaf, but opted to keep this Thanksgiving simple. Besides the Olive Loaf looked like Bologna with a sickness. So, bless your Vulcan-loving heart Captain.

Kirk: You're right Bones. Let us be thankful for all we have. But where is Spock?

Bones: Oh, he'll be right back. He's getting the Spam, Hot Dogs and three bottles of Yoo Hoo.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL.

Planet Easteroid

HAPPY EASTER all.

Bones: Jim, I like it here. There's something very happy about it all.

Kirk: Agreed Bones. We need to explore further. I hear people play and mate like rabbits here.

Get Maya!

Great Bird Of The Galaxy: Happy Thanksgiving

Kirk: My God Bones, it's the Great Bird Of The Galaxy.
*

Bones: Will you look at that?
*

Scotty: Ay Captain. What are we waiting for? We have a lot to be thankful for. Let's dig in.
*

Sulu: I was kind of hoping for duckling.

*

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!

Happy Halloween

Bones: He's dead J-, err... Jim is dead Scotty.

Scotty: A better question, why is he naked?

Bones: It's Jim Scotty, not exactly shocking.

Just joking everyone. Jim is NOT dead!

*

*

HAPPY HALLOWEEN
*

No actual doll was harmed in the making of this image. Special thanks to tomato ketchup from the cupboard. Now please get some clothes on Jim.

Still Fishing

Kirk: Great Scott! Nice shot Scotty!

Bones: You really need to get him out in the field a bit more Captain. He's a ringer!

Kirk: You have a point Bones. We are going to have some good eatin' tonight.

Scotty: Aye Captain. I'll fry up some chips and mushy peas and we'll have ourselves a proper fish and chips dinner complete with vinegar.

No actual animal, fish or living creature of any kind was harmed in the making of this photograph.

Gone Fishing

Scotty: This was a great idea Captain. Unfortunately we don't have fishing poles.

Kirk: Scotty, you do have a blue plastic phaser, do you not?

Scotty: Aye.

Kirk: Set phasers for kill.

Bones: Jim, fishing over a goldfish tank really shores up our chances. I should have thought of this years ago.

Kirk: Stick with me Bones and we'll boldy go where no man has fished before.

Scotty: Aye, Captain. I thought it smelled a wee bit fishy in your personal quarters as well there mate.

Kirk & Bones: At The Beach

Bones: Sure was a great idea for Scotty to bury us in the sand. I remember my folks doing that to me as a young child.

Kirk: Yes, those were the days Bones.

Bones: Scotty, you can dig us out now. Scotty. Scotty!? SCOTTY!!!

Kirk & Bones: Gone Sunning

Kirk: Ah Bones, nothing like the twin suns of Orion.

Bones: Beats a day in sick bay Jim.

Scotty: What's wrong with the two of you? For God's sakes men ya have yer boots and yer briefs hangin' out in the wind among other things. Why not get into a proper pair of summer shorts mates?

Kirk: You need to get in touch with your inner self Scotty. Sometimes you just need to let yourself go, set yourself free.

Bones: Yeah mon, pass me some Orion weed mon. Let your hair down Scotty. Drop your drawers and communicator mon and join us.

Scotty: Not a tribble's chance in hell. I think you've had an unhealthy dose of solar radiation affectin' your Klingon- cooked brain matter. I'll sweat it out here in uniform like a real man. Aye!

Kirk: Suit yourself brother.

Scotty: Ah, the hell with the both of ya. I'm headin' back to the ship for a pint.

Bones: Great, would you be a good pally and beam us down some of your best scotch on the rocks when you get there.

Kirk: Nice and send us down the two new brunette interns in the tight red shirts we met on the bridge yesterday.

Bones: Ay, karamba. Good call Jim. Hard to top that one.

*

Kirk: That's what I'm hoping for Bones. That's what I'm hoping for.

Kirk & Bones: The Great Ice Planet Adventure: Part 9: Beam Us Up Scotty

Kirk: Beam Us Up Scotty.

Scotty: Aye Captain, and where's Mr. Spock sir?

Bones: Funny, we were hoping you could tell us.

Mystery Babe: (whispering) Where are you Mr. Spock?

Kirk & Bones: The Great Ice Planet Adventure: Part 8: Scotch Rescue

Bones: Boy we sure are glad to see you Scotty. I didn't see you beam down.

Scotty: Aye, good to see you boys. I beamed down over beyond the bushes there.

Kirk: Well Mr. Scott it's good to see you indeed. We've been freezing down here.

Scotty: Aye. The temperatures on the planet have really been messing with my transporter and my ability to locate ya can.

Bones: Well, I reckon we don't have long Scotty, the temps are dipping again.

Scotty: Aye.

Kirk: Scotty, you didn't happen to see a tall blonde woman on your way here.

Scotty: No sir Captain or the haggie'd be in the fire for sure.

Bones: Huh? What does that mean? Nevermind. I don't want to know.

Kirk: Bones, Haggis is a traditional Scottish dish of animal's intestines stuffed with sheep's heart, lungs, liver, minced onion, oatmeal, spices, suet, salt, stock and boiled into a explosive taste fiesta.

Scotty: Aye.

Bones: Jesus. You know how to ruin a guy's appetite.

Scotty: Well McCoy I canna' change the laws of physics.

Bones: What does that have anything to do with an animal's intestines?

Scotty: Aye. Not sure, but I like to say things like that.

Kirk: Gentlemen, perhaps we should remove ourselves from this lifeless rock and head back to the Enterprise before it's too late.

Scotty: Aye Captain.

Bones: Would you happen to have a tasty tenderized steak ready for us back at the ship?

Scotty: Aye McCoy, the haggie is in the fire for sure.

Bones: Damn it Scotty, would you stop that? Steak for God's sake man! Red-blooded, steroid-injected, good, old-fashioned steak! Am I not speaking English?

Scotty: Aye sir, haggie sir.

Bones: You are maddening.

Kirk: How 'bout a Scotch? Lead us home Mr. Scott.

Kirk & Bones: The Great Ice Planet Adventure: Part 7: Briefs or Boxers?

Kirk: Apart from that Superbabe there doesn't appear to me of a night life on this planet.

Bones: Perhaps all lifeforms that inhabit the planet live underground due to the harsh conditions.

Kirk: Perhaps Bones. Perhaps.

Bones: Jim! Your blue briefs are showing.

Kirk: It's all part of my plan Bones to lure that Mystery Babe out from the shadows again.

Bones: Hmmm, I see. Well, with all due respect, she didn't seem particularly interested in us.

Kirk: That's because she hasn't gotten up close and personal with big Jim to see the error of her ways.

Bones: Is that it? Well, the winds are breaking cold again and here comes the snow. The temperature and climate is shifting rapidly once again as it did just a few short hours ago. We're going to need to find help. Jim, I think I see something ahead.

Kirk: Bones, more importantly, are you a briefs or boxers man?

Bones: Damn it Jim! This is no time for an undies discussion.

Kirk: What about long johns eh? Those would be quite to our liking right right about now.

Bones: Yes, yes. Long johns are nice. This way.

Kirk: How 'bout the Snuggie?

Kirk & Bones: The Great Ice Planet Adventure: Part 6: The Big Thaw

With the Mystery Babe now gone. Kirk and Bones break free of the packed snow drift as the planet temperature begins to warm and they begin to thaw.

Kirk: Which way did did she go Bones?

Bones: Damned if I know Jim. I'm just trying to get the feeling back in my hands and legs.

Kirk: Look, we're free from the ice. I'm not sure which way she went, but she couldn't have gone far.

Bones: What's wrong with that woman? Couldn't she see we were in need of aid and we were in pain. Now that is cold Jim.

Kirk: Ah, Bones, it's the way of the galaxy. She's playing hard to get. It's in a woman's nature. I don't care what planet you're from you can't escape the challenge of the chase, the thrill of the pursuit, the game of love. Much like this planet, behind that icy exterior is a woman yearning to light a raging fire of passion.

Bones: Huh? Whatever. I've had just about enough of this place. We need to find help and fast. If the rapid change in temperature is any indication we could be in for a cold spell before you know it. We've got to find some way of reaching Scotty. Here, without phasers, we'll need these snazzy little ice balls just in case for protection.
*

Kirk: Easy does it Bones. We have ourselves a fancy female to find. We'll need more than that for protection. Lady luck tells me we might just be able to pull it off before our next dance with death comes along.

Bones: Good grief. How in heaven's name we ever get off these planets will forever be a wonder.

To Be Continued...

******************************

"You're outside playing with your dolls and there's still no coffee in my hand!" - The One To Be Pitied.

"Hey! Those are action figures." -The Sci-Fi Fanatic.

Folks, let it be said, creating drama with Star Trek Action figures is no easy task. Never mind tending to The One To Be Pitied.

First, there is the covert operation of filming either in broad daylight or the undercover of night. Every effort is made not to be spotted by neighbors. Granted most are good friends and know that I am making movie magic and tend to be ho-hum about the whole thing. "Oh, it's just that crazy Sci-Fi Fanatic. No bother." They must see me when I think I'm completely incognito and think, "why is he playing with dolls?" I would of course correct them on their labelling pointing out they are definitely not dolls.
*

Second, there is the bit with my actors whereby they are completely temperamental and difficult to work with at times. They don't always cooperate. Wind gusts and other such elements can often wreak unmerciful havoc with an establishing shot and the next thing you know you have Bones doing a face plant into Kirk's crotch. The camera has to be placed down on the ground and every effort has to be made to get them back in position. Sometimes, it's a bitch when you're working with more than two actors and they just refuse to play nice. You can spend far too much time in the wind and cold to get just one or two shots on a bad day.

*

Anyway, it's all in the name of sci-fi magic [or not].

Kirk & Bones: The Polar Plunge

Kirk: I just love the smell of New Year in the morning.

Bones: I hear you Jim. Makes you feel alive. It's like being born again.

Kirk: Well Bones, I'm sure you're fighting that undeniable urge to strip down naked and go for a swim in sub zero ocean waters like me.

Bones: Yes. Nothing at all wrong with that.

Kirk: Perfectly normal behavior for a couple of fellows with nothing better to do but wet our whistles in these icy cool temps.

Bones: Perhaps we should take our shirts and boots off.

Kirk: My friend, we're Starfleet officers. We will wear our shirts, briefs and boots.

Bones: I suppose. Besides, our boots are screwed into our legs. This can't be any less pleasant than that. Most people would say you'd have to have plastic for brains to do something like this Jim, but not us though.

Kirk: No sir. We relish the challenge.

Bones: Damn it Jim I'm a doctor, not a ---

Kirk: Stop! I know, polar bear!

Bones: Well, actually I was going to say penguin, but right. You have the idea. Anyway, stop taunting me with such fun. The point is I just can't stand it anymore. We must plunge into the ice cold waters, harden our nipples and hope for pneumonia.

Kirk: Shall we then?

Bones: Let's.

Footnote: God bless those who like to do it, but I never could understand the Polar Plunge. Some do it for charity. That's nice. Some do it because they're just out of their freakin' minds. I would have liked to provide you with some location shooting at the local beach. Unfortunately that was just way too risky. There were far too many people to go running around with two naked dol...errr action figures, which is why special effects have been applied to my driveway. Having said that I'm not sure who is crazier.

Kirk & Bones: The Great Ice Planet Adventure: Part 5: Mystery Babe

With the sun now set, our fearless heroes drift in and out of consciousness looking for a miracle or a warm body.

Bones: Do you see what I see or are my eyes playing tricks on me Jim? Is that the girl from your dreams?

Kirk: It might be Bones. She looks familiar, but she has clothes on, so I'm just not sure. Let's see if we can break free of the snow Bones. We might just have ourselves a close encounter with an alien space babe. Those are always a delicacy.

Bones: Well, perhaps we should be cautious here Jim.

Kirk: I always travel with protection. Not to worry Bones.

Bones: Good heavens Jim.

Kirk: No Bones. Not like that. You. I have you. You can give her a full exam and make sure all the readings check out first before I sample the goods.

Bones: Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not a gynecologist! Well, maybe I could help there. More importantly some good news, the temperature is rising. I can feel it in the air.

Mystery Babe: I seek the one called Spock.

Kirk: Yes, well, funny thing, we seek the one called Spock too. Maybe you can ---

MB: You are not Spock?

Kirk: No. No I am Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. I seek out new life and new civilizations like yourself.

MB: If you are not Spock then I must go.

Kirk: Wait. Where are you going? Come back. I have Bones with me. You can have the best of both worlds with us!

Bones: Damn it Jim! That Vulcan is just infuriating even when he's not around.

Kirk: Don't I know it. He just cost us some well-deserved, warm-blooded, interplanetary intercourse.

Bones: Yes Jim, I would have enjoyed speaking with her as well.

Kirk & Bones: The Great Ice Planet Adventure: Part 4: Sometime Soon Scotty

And now back to our fearless heroes....hours later. Without Starfleet issued gear or weapons, Kirk and Bones are all alone on the ice planet.

Bones: I had this weird dream we were making snow angels and singing snappy space versions of our favorite yuletide classics. Believe it or not, I was even happy we were stuck here. I'm beginning to lose it.

Kirk: Well Bones, things are really beginning to look bleak. I can barely see you my friend. I can hardly move and feel as though I may nod off myself.

Bones: I know Jim. I'm not sure I can hang on much longer. I'm so cold. I can't feel a thing. I think I'm entering Stage 1 hypothermia. I'm starting to shake.

Kirk: Bones, hang in there. We need to do something and fast.

Bones: Damn it Jim, we need a miracle!

Kirk: Or a smokin' hot woman to wrap our bodies around to get warm.

Bones: Do you have no boundaries? Does anything shake your libido? Not even the cold. If we get out of this I may need to run a full scan on you you. Look, I'd have preferred an alternate kind of stiff myself, but it's really not looking likely at this point. The planetary readings indicated an extremely volatile atmosphere with extreme, sharp shifts in temperature. We can only hope at this point.

Kirk: I suppose. Until then Bones, you keep making snow angels and singing Christmas carols. I have my very own visual going and she's blonde and beautiful.

Bones: Can she sing?

Kirk & Bones: The Great Ice Planet Adventure: Part 3: Snow Angel Dreaming

Kirk: Boy, this is fun Bones.

Bones: I'm sure glad we left all of our vital gear back on the Enterprise. Looks like we'll have as much time as we'd like down here.

Kirk: Yeah, with no way to reach Scotty we should have plenty of time to enjoy this Winter Wonderland.

Bones: Sure wish we had some Christmas tuneage Jim.

Kirk: That's alright. We can sing our own songs.

Bones: Great. How bout' Rudolph The Red Nosed Galileo or Rockin' Around The Ferengi Money Tree or Silent Klingon.

Kirk: I was thinking Santa Android or Tribble, It's Cold Outside. Actually, it's not really a Christmas song, but more of a winter number. I always loved God Rest Ye Merry Romulans, Frosty The SnowGorn or The Little Drummer Borg.

Bones: Haha. This is way too much fun. Seriously, let's keep it traditional.

Kirk: Fair enough, but after we sing Jingle Bells, let's build a snow woman with really big snow boobs.

Bones: Damn it Jim, what's wrong with you?

Kirk & Bones: The Great Ice Planet Adventure: Part 2: In Deep Trouble

Kirk: Bones, it's been just a few hours. Look at us. We're drowning in snow. How's that communicator looking now?

Bones: Jim, Scotty is sure to beam us up soon. Don't we have a 24 hour rule or something?

Kirk: We've been here for just over 4 hours Bones. How exactly is that going to help? The snow is up to our teets already.

Bones: Damn it Jim I'm a doctor not a meteorologist. I understand your sexual frustration. Listen, we should be fine. Snow acts as an insulator. It will keep us warm until Scotty locks into our coordinates and beams us back aboard the Enterprise.

Kirk: I hope you're right Bones. Insulator or not my pitooties are still knockin' together cold. In fact, I never could understand the whole insulation theory with snow. It's not nearly as warm as that green ultra hot hottie from alpha quadrant.

Bones: Is that all you think about Jim?

Kirk: Is there anything else? Oh, I'm also thinking we should bring a red shirt with us next time. He'd have died for us to find someplace warm. Jesus, Montgomery get off your haggis and let's go.

Bones: Honestly Jim. Stuffed pig's intestines. How does he eat that stuff?

Kirk: And where the hell is Spock?

Kirk & Bones: The Great Ice Planet Adventure: Part 1: Poor Planning

Bones: Strange, the coordinates indicated a comfortable temperature here.

Kirk: Shoot, I'm freezing my pitooties off. Bones, contact Scotty to beam us back up right away.

Bones: Umm, well, I don't have the communicator Jim.

Kirk: What! We're on an ice planet with no communicator! Let me get this straight. You don't have a tricorder?

Bones: No.

Kirk: No weapons?

Bones: That's correct.

Kirk: No communicator?

Bones: Not a one.

Kirk: So we have no forseeable way of reaching Scotty to get home.

Bones: It's looking that way Jim.

Kirk: I instructed you to get our things together while I was escorting that helpless, sexy purple lady around the ship to bed her in my quarters.

Bones: Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor, not some kind of red-shirted, Kirk-lackey.

Kirk: Damn it, where the hell's Spock?

Yuletide Greetings

Santa: Right here on my lap young man. So what would you like for Christmas little boy?

Bones: I'd really like a...a...a....

Santa: How 'bout some nice medical supplies?

Bones: Always with the medical supplies. No, no, I want a Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time.

Santa: But, you'll shoot your eye out, kid.

Bones: Damn it Santa! Again with the "you'll shoot your eye out kid," I'm not getting any younger ya know!

Tryin' to feel the spirit folks how 'bout you?

Note: The paint program is like the poor man's version of special effects. It is soooo analog, but why do I enjoy it so?

I in no way pretend to be a photographer [I see there are many photo blogs out there far superior to mine], but I do take the ocassional shot that gives me pleasure like this random Christmas tree against a farm and sun. Hope y'all have Happy Holidays.